Lost my keys and mind

Fans of the animated comedy “Archer” should be familiar with word, syllepsis. It is when a single word, usually a verb, is used in a literal and figurative sense.  As in, “I caught the train and a bad cold” or the title of this post.  

That was a paragraph about the word, syllepsis. To show you I know what it means and maybe teach some of you. “The more you know (NBC Jingle).” Now…

On the ferry ride back from Vancouver Island I lost my keys and mind. It was super early in the morning and I had a long couple days so when I parked the car on the ferry I shimmied my way to the back of my Forester to take about an hour nap before I tackled Vancouver. 

Now when I go to sleep normally in my car every night I have a ritual of putting my wallet, phone and keys in a little baggie that I keep in a compartment next to where I sleep. I forgot/chose not to do this on that day. 

At 7:50AM the captain comes over the PA system telling everyone we will be docking in 10 mins and everyone needs to start heading to their cars. I slowly get out of bed grab my wallet and phone but my keys are not on my bed. I look on the front seat. Not there. I quickly look through the passenger seat. Not there. The compartment I would normally put them at night. Not there. 

Ok, now I start getting nervous. The keys are here somewhere. I got the car on the ferry, didn’t I. But then a sinking feeling comes over me. Maybe when I was crawling into the back seat or rolled over while napping they could have fallen somewhere.  Strike that, ANYWHERE. I have so much shit in my car and my bed has created so many nooks and crannies it could take a long time to search everywhere and some places you can’t even get your hand in. 

Now I start thinking about what will happen if this ferry docks and cars start rolling off. I’m in the middle of one of three single file lines. I can already hear the horns blaring as this middle lane is held up by some jackass while the other two lanes have already emptied. 

The ferry crew would come to me and I would have to explain that I lost my keys in the 90 mins we were on the boat. AHHHH!!! 

Causing a scene may be one of my worst fears. This is from the kid who was scared to call the pizza guy as a kid from the land line. (Remember land lines?)  Who shrinks in large meetings at work. Who can’t stand brunches with more than 4 people.  Has trouble making conversations at parties unless it’s about sports or in the middle of a game of Cards Against Humanity. So, social anxiety is definitely a part of my life and “causing a scene”, please God, NOOOOOO!!! 

Now I am losing my mind and my anxiety is literally (wait, literally? YES, literally) making me shake. I start ripping my car apart. Everything on my front seat comes out of my car; my day bag, my maps of all the parks I’ve been to recently, my rain coat, on the ground. Nothing. Behind the passenger seat; my sleeping bag, sleeping bag sack, clothes, sandals, toiletry kit. Nothing. 

I look through the center console and glove compartment for my spare. Nothing. 

One person passes me as I curse obscenities on the way to their car and remarks, “You look like you have had a rough morning”. I do not respond to this person. 

The person sitting in the passenger seat in the car behind mine is patiently watching this madman frantically remove everything from their car. 

I move to my trunk and open it up. There is a tiny rectangular box created by the wheel well and my bed. I remove my shampoo, body wash, baby wipes, head lamp and then… I see my keys towards the back of this area near the wheel well. They must have fallen off my bed while I was napping and slid down the wheel well. 

With about 2 mins left to spare, I jump and pump my fist in relief and joy and look back in embarrassment to see if the same person is still watching me now celebrate. 

They are, and I get a big thumbs up.  I smile back, then throw everything back in my car jump in the front seat and turn on the ignition just as it was time to start moving. 

That was a long ten minutes. 

Matthew